Cognitive Dissonance (Or How to Check Yourself)

I worried at the start of this website of whether I'd go in the direction of only providing very intellectualized lectures each week or rather turn more towards just providing hip, unscientific personal opinions. On one hand, I didn't want to be just another boring professor. But I also didn't want to be like so many on social media who just say anything they want, without reputation or experience to back it up. So, I'd like to talk today about a favorite topic of mine, cognitive dissonance. In my course lecture I'd start with my definition of cognitive dissonance, which is "what happens when a person feels a conflict between her/his own thoughts and beliefs ." Huh??? How does that happen? Well, there are many times when we consciously or unconsciously go against our own priniciples and goals. Really. It happens more than we realize. One of the most famous examples is the person who knows that smoking causes cancer, but also wants to give into the pressure to have another cigarette. It's an internal conflict that usually gets resolved with a rationalization to remove the pressure or "dissonance." That person might say, "Well, if I smoke, I only smoke after a meal." Hmmm... Or the person might say, "Well, I switched to light cigarettes." Hmmm... When I did health and sex education, I'd often talk to well educated people about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases and ask people why there are those who still choose to have unprotected sex. Some said that they would "look for someone who seemed "clean." Another Hmmm... But, unlike some of the respondents and even some of my colleagues, I disagree with them when they say "Well, people just need more education." No. Sometimes that's not the issue. I believe that even with the information or education, people do things that are contrary to their own belief system. When a person orders a double cheeseburger, onion rings and an apple pie and then adds a Diet Coke because of their fear of gaining weight, I can't help but challenge that person's inconsistent beliefs. But people do this all the time. We condem people for speeding, but justify ourselves driving fast because we don't want to be late. As a therapist, I love sitting down with people and having them "check themselves" on their own thoughts and behaviors. It's a great conversation IF that client is willing to honestly go there. Sure, some of these examples sound simplistic. But consider the person who is married and still entertains being "unfaithful." I have to remind that person it wasn't me who vowed monogamy to the spouse. And if you break YOUR vow, what are you going to do with that? Not, what am I going to do with that? People must face up to the inconsitencies that exist in their personal lives. People may be good at giving their opinions and sharing what is wrong with someone else's. But how many of us really sit with those things that don't make sense with our own beliefs and actions? If we don't do this, at best, we run the risk of being inconsistent. At worst, we run the risk of being a hypocrite. When two people commit to an exclusive relationship, they must realize that they not only need to work on the relationship. They must also understand that this is the time to "check themselves," "work on their own stuff," "clean their own house." (You get the idea.) If people battled themselves as much as they battle their family, neighbors, and friends, this world would probably be in a much better place. Do people actually take the time to reflect? The goal here is to gain INSIGHT into one's own beliefs and actions. People ahould realize how they affect other people and it is only fair to call oneself out as much as one calls someone else out. A partner in a relationship who can admit guilt, take responsibility, be honest and genuine, and put her or himself in the other person's shoes is so valuable! Couple work requires that each person in the relationship agree to be "truthful" to their partners and "truthful" to themelves. Jesus said, "When we are honest, we build strength of character that will allow us to be of great service to God and to others." Shakespere said, "To thine own self be true." D.L. Hughley said, "We live in a world today where we make up our own truth. That should not apply to truth. Truth is truth."