Walking a Mile in Her Shoes (An Exercise in Empathy)

As a professor at California State University, Northridge, I really enjoyed participating in the annual "Walk a Mile in Her Shoes" event sponsored by the Valley Trauma Center of the San Fernando Valley. This event involved men volunteering to publicly wear and walk in women's high heels as a statement of solidarity against men's physical violence against women. And I was joined by some of guys from the college's sport teams and fraternities. Well, it did get some good media coverage and people got a good laugh in watching bowlegged men like me struggle with pinched feet and balance issues. (Sidenote: I don't see how women do it.) Luckily, we were able to process the activity as a way of demonstrating empathy for another person. Now, empathy is one of the biggest words in couples therapy. And it should be. The word is usually defined as "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another." But many people break it down by saying it is the act of "putting yourself in another person's shoes." (Hence, the name of the event.) When discussing relationships I particularly like the quote from Brene Brown, "Empathy is communicating that incredibly healing message of 'You're not alone." And by nature, if you are part of a couple, you don't want to feel alone. Da. So, couples have to find new ways each day to demonstrate empathy. Most of us realize there is a big difference between sympathy and empathy. Believe me, it feels different! When a person feels bad when hearing bad news, that's one thing. But empathy requires a person to help the other person cognitively and physically feel heard, understood, and validated. You and your partner need be in touch with what's going on inside the other. Yes, I do have do's and don'ts I have couples work on.

Do's

1) Listen. Don't just hear your partner. This means you have to give that person your FULL attention.

2) Have an open posture. (If you're going through a crisis and I've got crossed arms and crossed legs, I might be giving the impression that I'm going to be critical.)

3) Think "comfort and support" in the back of your mind when someone is going through a bad time. (Thoughts in your head do get translated to the eyes and face.) Remember: This is the person YOU CHOSE to be in a relationship with. If you don't have this person's back, who will?

4) Try to identify with your partner. Seriously think, "How would I feel if that happened to me?"

Don'ts

1) Don't criticize. (You may be saying, "Well, I'm just trying to understand." But a lot of questioning to why a person feels the way they do can make a person feel like something is wrong with them.)

2) Don't make the mistake of thinking you have to FIX everything that goes wrong. Sometimes a problem just needs to be felt and heard .... NOT SOLVED.

3) Don't patronize. The last thing a person having a tough time needs is for their partner to come off insincere and condescending. Anything that sounds or feels like "Oh, you poor thing" does more damage than good.

Black couples are like all couples. Their strength is defined in how much they support each other when things go wrong. Couples need to feel secure that they are going home to a safe place. And that even if strangers and acquaintances in their life don't understand them, home will be a place the person can feel acceptance and validation. So, self esteem needs to make room for Couple esteem (If that phrase catches on and makes money, it's mine. Remember that.) Couple esteem means, that the two people feel confident they will respect and care for each other. If I get an excessive bill or ticket I didn't expect, have a bad day at work, argument with a friend or family member, conflict with another driver on the freeway, experience racism or discrimination, suffer from a physical illness or injury, death of a close friend or family member, etc. etc. etc. , it sure is nice to come home to someone who knows how to empathize . That partner can empathize by allowing me to vent, looking at me with understanding eyes, touching me in a kind way, and trying hard to convince me that I am not alone.